


hashtag wakey wakey eggs and Face Sitting

by saltysfeathers (saltyfeathers)



Series: hashtag relatable [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, M/M, but BLATANT snarking hoo boy working hard 2 earn that mature rating, everyone watch out imPLIED SITTING, gross lack of proper writing practice, theoretical face sitting, well less theoretical-- more implied i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 13:57:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5208407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyfeathers/pseuds/saltysfeathers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the one with only implied sitting but real faces at least.</p><p>dean has a nice butt. it would be a shame if................... no one put anything in it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hashtag wakey wakey eggs and Face Sitting

**Author's Note:**

> always happy to follow up a dark and stressful longfic with some trademark fuckery. 
> 
> just to get ahead of this thing, hello any potential future employers! please dont hold this against me.

“hey, cas?”

“cas?”

“cas. hey.”

“earth to cas. ground control to major cas.”

“theres literally no way youre asleep right now. im making my voice this annoying and whiny on purpose.”

“cmon cas.”

“its almost noon you lazy piece of shit get up.”

“cas I swear to your dad.”

“ok fine stay in bed. sam and I are gonna have soOoOoOo much fun without you in the library. we’re gonna do some sexy research without you-

that sounded weird but you know what I mean. youre gonna be so mad you missed out. that also sounded kinda weird. disregard.”

“youre not dead are you?”

“ok no that’s definitely breath I feel on my hand, we’re good. god forbid I be worried when you show literally ZERO response when the guy you fucked last night- and fuck on the reg, might I add- tries to gently coax you into the land of the living.”

“well I mean not /gently/ but also you know what I mean. Fuck you.”

 “you know no self respecting hunter should sleep this heavily. like it could be noahs monster arc up in here and you literally would not know the difference. two of every nasty, fanged, scratchy, slimy beastie chilling on your- _our_ \- bed, and what do you do? Nothing. Nada. fucking sleeping beauty over here. unbelievable. in this scenario I’ve probably just washed the sheets, you know that, right? and nosferatu the fucking goth bald-capped vamp just dripped virgin blood all over the comforter. damn it, cas, im not cleaning that up but also you fucking suck at getting rid of ketchup stains, let alone blood stains. so I guess I am cleaning it up. how are you such a slob. were there no trash cans in heaven? whered you guys put all those sticks up your asses when you had to switch them out? just threw ‘em down on us plebs huh? Naturally. ‘welcome to earth! here, have some celestial bird shit.’”

“its way more fun getting carried away with stupid hypotheticals when youre awake to roll your eyes at me. just saying. this is prime eye rolling time right here. dean’s being a silly goose, better get those eyes out and ready to roll!! c’mon champ up and at ‘em! lets go sport, you love balls, you love rolling… uh… them… in your hand………………………. Ive never actually said those words out loud before like… with sexual connotations. and super awkwardly. that was fun, good thing youre not awake to hear this and then use it for blackmail later right?”

 “ugh ok look how about we make a deal, since we’re already on the topic. how about. I just close the door here. and slowlllllllyyyyyy stick my hand… down my pants… because that’s sexy, right? yeah, its super sexy to stick a finger up your own ass while your boyfriend drools on your pillo- HEY. THAT ACTUALLY IS MY PILLOW. goddammit ok focus… finger in ass, here, cas. aren’t you enticed? camahhhhhhhhhhhhhn buddy, I feel like a cheesy infomercial host here. you get up in the next twenty seconds and youll get not just one blow job, but TWO! two for the price of one! and we’ll pay the shipping and dean’s-sore-jaw tax. but WAIT. THERE’S MORE. not only do you get two blow jobs and taxes waived, but you also get to stick your tongue up my butt you perv cause I know youre into that. I know I know, big talk. but if you get up now-ten seconds left, this offer won’t last forever- you will get all of that, retail value my gag reflex and germaphobic tendencies, all for the price of you dragging your ass out of bed!!! call 1-800-fuck-my-fucking-ass now to order!!”

“dean.”

“oh, pfft, well, whattdoya know. Its awake. how convenient.”

“im placing my order.”

“yeah well sorry shipping time is however long it takes for me to furiously scrub my asshole in the shower.”

“are you really going to try and push your martyrdom into me eating your ass.”

“something is about to go into my ass and its not a display of feigned or exaggerated suffering to obtain sympathy or admiration.”

“yeah, its my tongue. which as I recall, you seem to enjoy.”

“this is a business deal, cas. no room for enjoyment here.”

“apologues in advance for the lack of enjoyment youre going to get while sitting on my face as I manually stimulate you with my tongue.”

“… alright.”

“is that a note of enjoyment I detect in the sudden hoarseness of your voice?”

“shut up. and brush your teeth first.”

“the only thing ive tasted between last night and this morning is you, dean.”

“you know that really shouldn’t be as hot as-”

“hey guys!!”

“now is really not the time, sam.”

“dean, I sent you to wake him up, not dig a hole to china. get the hell out h- dean your hand is down your pants.”

“astute observation sherlock. here’s another one: try knocking before you enter a room.”

“how does this manage to happen literally E ?????? V E R Y  T I ?M E!?”

“youre the one with the huge giant genius brain, so. Sounds like a you problem, bro.”

“this research is really imp-”

“excuse my interruption, sam, but the postal service is also very important, and its difficult to deliver or receive packages when youre keeping the postman from doing his very important job.”

“what? We live in an underground bunker we don’t get mailoh. Oh. oh goddammit guys do you really need to start roleplaying while im still in the room?”

“well it would be hard to start roleplaying when youre not in the room if youre… still in the room.”

“for fucks sake and all that’s holy ok fine do your weird freaky mail thing just remember there IS actually research to be done today. not that youd fucking know because two thirds of this bunker is full of deviants”

“oh yeah because youre a fuckin pure as the driven snow blushing bride don’t think I haven’t accidentally stumbled on your sexy toy drawer you kinky sonofabitch”

“what the hell were you doing in my-”

“I was looking for socks jesus-”

“thaTS WHAT A WASHING MACHINE IS-”

“Sam, we’ll be out soon. the activity dean and I are about to engage in isn’t exactly conducive to dean’s endurance.”

“WOW ok way to throw a guy under the bus.”

“dean I was simply trying to move things along.”

“yeah well youre all about efficiency except for when it comes to waking up huh.”

“according to both you and sam there _is_ research to be done.”

“well that hardly seems important to the already ridiculously loosely drawn plot of this whole thing, doesn’t it”

“don’t misunderstand me, dean. I am very interested in you sitting on my face for long periods of time, so long as there are sufficient breaks to breathe. but im also very interested in seeing just how quickly I can make you come, and since time _is_ of the essence here, I suggest we go for the latter. of course youre still welcome to sit on my face, I just cant guarantee im going to go easy on you. I would feel bad if you felt consternation over coming in under less than two minutes- hey, where’s sam?”

“sam who? you were… you were saying words. You should keep saying words. Ill be indignant about the quick shot jokes later.”

“you bracketing my face with your thighs is going to effectively end our conversation.”

“yeah well honestly that might be a good idea because if you keep talking those quick shot jokes may not be just jokes anymore.”

“they weren’t just jokes, its actually fascinating sometimes how quickly you-”

“okey dokey, that’s enough of that. Ill add furious ego stroking to that to do list for later. Face sitting time!”

“im happy to stroke all parts of you.”

“yeah yeah, I know you are you weenie. Now stick your tongue in my butt.”


End file.
